The Analysis of a Best Man
by Hannatude
Summary: If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then a man's words are a portal to his mind. Just what was Sherlock thinking as he gave his rather memorably unorthodox Best Man's speech? Contains spoilers for "The Sign of Three".


Disclaimer: All characters involved are property of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and The BBC.

NOTICE: The bold words are taken directly from the script of Sherlock Season 3, episode 2, "The Sign of Three". I found the transcript on the livejournal of 'Ariane DeVere'. 

* * *

Standing at the edge of it all, he has a sudden revelation.  
_'If life is truly a puzzle, then these two individuals are among the most important pieces.' _He reasons as he witnesses the joyous smile spreading across the face of his blogger. His brother-at-arms. His friend.

He feels a warm hand on his arm - Dear Mrs. Hudson.  
So very astute, in her own way. She knows him as a mother knows her son - despite their lack of blood relation. She has known him for years, has witnessed many a tantrum, she's held his shaking body as he detoxed. She makes him tea every morning - something he discovered only hours ago. He places his hand over hers and squeezes it lightly before he turns to enter the reception hall.

* * *

** "Pray silence for the best man."**

He stands, buttoning his jacket. He had scoffed at Lestrade's suggestion of writing his speech out on flashcards - he had never needed to do anything so... mundane... before in all of his life. Even as a child, his memory was perfect. Granted, he didn't exactly relish the fact that he was speaking before a crowd, but this was for John and Mary, so he would endure it.

** "Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends... and... erm... others..."**

He would endure it... If he could remember what the bloody hell it was that he wanted to say...

** "Telegrams..." **And once again, John Watson saves his miserable life.

** "Right, um..." **He pats his pockets - emergency cue cards, thrust upon him by Lestrade... But where were the telegrams?! They had been handed to him earlier, but now he's drawing a blank on where they went- he sees them sitting on the table in front of him and clears his throat as he picks them up.

_ 'Awkward, awkward, awkward! Sherlock, you idiot, this isn't what we wanted to say-!'_ He groans internally at the nonsense written on the cards, flipping through them hastily.

** " ... "love" ... "love" ... "love" ... "love" ... "lo..."; bit of a theme – you get the gist. People are basically _fond_.****"**

_ 'Laughter. Laughter is good, according to the books. The research indicated...'_

_ -NO, SHERLOCK, TIME TO FOCUS-_

** "John Watson. My friend, John Watson. John. When John first broached the subject of being best man, I was confused."**  
** '**_Confused? Shocked. Totally and completely thrown for a lo-'_  
** "I confess at first I didn't realise he was asking me. When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and ... surprised. I explained to him that I'd never expected this request and I was a little daunted in the face of it."**

_ 'By staring at him for several minutes in shocked silence.'_  
** "It later transpired that I had said none of this out loud."**

He reaches for the cue cards - Lestrade raises an eyebrow, he'll be hearing about this for months - and flips through them.

And just like that, he's sorted. The simple act of tossing the cards away has helped him clear the distractions from his mind.

** "I'm afraid, John, I can't congratulate you. All emotions, and in particular love, stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all things. A wedding is, in my considered opinion, nothing short of a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honour the death-watch beetle that is the doom of our society and, in time – one feels certain – our entire species."**  
_ -No, no, not good, Sherlock, not good. This is supposed to be John and Mary time, not Sherlock time. Happy words, happy thoughts-_

** "But anyway..." **He pauses to look down at the cards again, to quell the voices in his head. **"Let's talk about John." **He pauses as John replies, and then begins.

** "If I burden myself with a little help-mate during my adventures, it is not out of sentiment or caprice – it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for mental acuity and sharpness comes, in truth, from the extraordinary contrast John so selflessly provides.**** It is a fact, I believe, that brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day. There is a certain analogy there, I feel."**  
_ -Danger zone, Sherlock-_

He flips to the next card, once again silencing the internal voice... Which has, suspiciously, begun to sound like the groom.

** "...and contrast is, after all, God's own plan to enhance the beauty of his creation ...or it would be if God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career opportunity for the family idiot."**

He pauses when he hears the sound of skin hitting skin - specifically, Mary's hand colliding with her forehead. He looks out at the assembled guests, many of whom are looking at him with varying degrees of disgust and dismay.

_ Sherlock, you pretentious arsehole... _He grins internally at his conscience's assessment. Here is where they both agree.

** "The point I'm **_**trying**_** to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet." **

He looks first to the vicar.

** "I am dismissive of the virtuous..."**

Next he looks at the woman sitting to his left - _Janine, Sherlock. Her name's Janine-_ and smiles briefly, the ever-turning wheels of his mind churning. _Not now, Sherlock..._

** "...Unaware of the beautiful..."**

He finally turns to face his friends.

** "...And uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend."**

He feels the tension in the room begin to ebb as he continues.

** "Certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing." **_You've got that right, mate._

** "John, I am a ridiculous man... Redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship. But, as I'm apparently your best friend, I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion." **_Pretentious arsehole. You aren't fooling anyone but yourself, you know._

He looks down at his hands and smiles.

** "Actually, now I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss..." **_Uh-huh..._

He pauses and leans down slightly to address John. **"...So sorry again about that last one..." **

He straightens and continues to speak to his audience, who now seem to be hanging on his every word.  
**"...So know this: today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved – in short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down, and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that."**

'_There. Emotional bit sorted - now it's time for the "good part".'_ He's read through John's blog and selected the best examples of 'funny stories', which, according to his research, are the core of a great Best Man's Speech.

** "Ah, yes. Now on to some funny stories about John ..."**

He looks up and panics.

"**What's wrong? What happened? Why are you all doing that? John?" **He turns to his friend, his "social counsellor", as a certain voice in his head begins to speak...

You failed, Shurlawk. You faaaaaaaaaailed~! Look at them all, they all saw it. Every single little BOOORING PERSON HERE SAW YOU. FAIL! Shurlawk Holmes, Consulting FAILURE!  
** "Did I do it wrong?"**  
Of COURSE YOU DID, SHURLAWK! That's what you dooo~

** "No, you didn't. Come here."**  
Suddenly, John's standing, and he's throwing his arms around Sherlock.

Just like that, the taunting is silenced by his friend's reassuring voice.

Just like that, the pieces fall into place. The puzzle is still far from complete, but he knows that, with time, more and more of the image will be revealed.

And just like that, he knows that everything will be okay.

* * *

Author's Note:

First off, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I'd love it if you would tell me how much you enjoyed it by reviewing... Just a thought.

Second - you all need to look up "thedragonaunt" here on fanfiction and read her Sherlolly stuff because she's brilliant, and she was awesome enough to beta this for me.

Third: If you're on Facebook, you should check out "Them Gallifreyan Sherlycurls". It's a great little Sherlock/Doctor Who fanpage. I should know - I run it. ;)

Fourth: Yes, I made the cover image. If you need a cover for one of your own pieces, I'd be happy to make one - just PM me. :)


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